I’ll Admit, I Lie To My Therapist
I’m looking forward to seeing my new psychiatrist. It’s a brand new start and a chance to be completely clean with her. This is because, I’ll admit, I’ve lied in the past to my therapist.
Every time I go into the session, I feel as though I’m going to be graded on my performance. That I’m expected to give good answers to make it seem like I’m progressing. And I was progressing. But reflecting on this past episode, I wonder if I shocked them because I didn’t tell them just how disturbed my thoughts can get.
But I’m also afraid of just what they’ll do to me if they find out all about my mind. I’ll be brutally honest here, I have some really screwed up thoughts. I don’t want to admit to my therapist that I have experienced days and weeks where I’m feeling great and functional, but every ledge, every passing car, I think about killing myself. And it’s casual, like looking at someone and thinking “that’s a cute shirt”. I would give the impression that I’m a “danger to myself” and that’s the last thing I want them to think. I’m afraid of what they’ll want to do if they find out what I really think. So whenever there’s that little check box that asks how likely I am to kill myself, I check none, but that doesn’t reflect the reality that I still think about it.
I also lie about just how hostile I can feel at times. I never strike people, I hold myself back. But I have hostile qualities when I’m manic. That’s one that they heard about when I came in the other day. Where I just want to scream and yell at anyone for even the slightest look that I don’t approve of. That I want to just attack anyone wearing ridiculous clothing. Stupid stuff sets me off when I’m manic.
Why did I do it? As I said, I felt like I was being graded on my answers and I didn’t want to get a bad grade. But I’ve also looked back and realized a much deeper reason for being so deceptive. I’ve not really been honest with myself about how much I have wrong with me. And that’s not to say that it’s insurmountable or that I cannot get better, it’s just that I’ve been in a degree of denial for quite a while. I thought I had fully accepted my diagnosis until I had my latest episode. I realize now that I haven’t. If I had, then I probably wouldn’t have been so shocked by it. But I’m getting there. If anything, this experience has made me realize more about myself than anything else I’ve had to deal with. I expect that it will take some time. But as I said, I have a new therapist. I’m no longer afraid of her judging me. I think that she’ll understand. And even if she doesn’t, she’ll know more of what I go through and make sure I get the treatment I need. It’s time to stop the denial and start admitting that there are some serious things wrong with me, that I have a good tool kit in place to deal with some of it, but that I need more and this is going to be a long road to recovery, not a quick 10 month fix.
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Posted on October 24, 2011, in Bipolar, Mental Health and tagged bipolar, bipolar disorder, depression, lie, lying, mania, mental health, mental illness, suicide, therapy. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.
Oh I did the same things for years! And naturally received no viable help heh. It wasn’t until I finally found a therapist that had as much in common with me as I did with him -and connected!
Sadly I moved out of state more than 10 years ago and have never found another shrink who helped me as much as that one did.
If it makes you feel better, it is more common to keep things back from a therapist than to be totally honest. Truly what IS the worst that can happen? A suggestion by the therapist and/or therapist that you check into the hospital for 72 hours?
I learned that if you are not perfectly honest with your shrink then they cannot treat you properly, and may suggest meds and/or a plan that can actually make you worse.
Keep trying a shink until you find one that diesn’t seem to ignore you. and be painfully honest. Don’t worry…all of ‘em keep plenty of Kleenex -smile-
It’s scary, but worth it. Like you say – there’s no relief when they don’t know that you need it.
As for suicidal thoughts, mental health workers ask more questions about them after the “do you ever have them?”. They are more concerned about suicide when you have clear evidence that there is intent and you have plans. What you describe – if a therapist was “rating” you would come in as ‘low risk’ – not rating an admission. They may be concerned by the fact and reason/triggers for them from a therapeutic point of view based on what you have written – but unless you have a history of high risk, impulsive behaviours that put your life at risk this is how it would be regarded. You are certainly not alone among the people who experience these kind of suicidal thoughts. Hell, I’m convinced that there must be people among the population not affected by serious and persistent mental illness that have passing thoughts of suicide.
A good therapist will listen to what you say and ask you also about your intent. They will not jump to their own conclusions. Often they will have a good idea when you are holding out on them – even though they won’t necessarily face you down on it all of the time if they don’t think it will achieve anything or that you may not yet be ready for them to do so.
It sounds like you’re ready this time. Go for it. It sounds like a good idea.
I completely relate to you plight. Rachael and Jill are right – it’s just a very scary proposition to level with anyone about how bad (or good) you really feel. All the best with the new psychiatrist. I hope you click and can begin to get some much needed and deserved relief.
Rachael, Jill, and Monday are all right. A doctor or therapist isn’t grading you as a person based on your progress. Always be honest so they can provide the best treatment possible. And I’ve said this to dozens of people; I’ll say it again to you. Passing thoughts of suicide and suicidal ideation with a plan are two different things entirely. You’ll read in my post today about what’s going on. But, I have passing thoughts now and again. Sometimes, there are more than others. Would I act on them? Probably not. I’ve usually only had the strong impulse to follow through in deep depressions. I asked a doctor once if they were going to lock me up based on a few erratic behaviors and some seriously dark thoughts. He answered, “We only refer people to the hospital if they have demonstrated a serious risk to their own or other people’s saftey and well-being.” Meaning, I didn’t say I had a plan to harm myself or someone else, and I had a strong enough grip on reality not to do it.
You are who you are. For better or worse. I know this isn’t encouraging, but a doctor once told me that BP is a chronic, life-long disease, just like MS in a way. Both require treatment, and with both, some days are better than others. It just is. It didn’t help me at the time, but it has really helped me since. Those are some heavy words with unfathomable implications. But, you can rest assured that it won’t always be this way. With MS, there isn’t any hope of actually getting better. With BP, there is. And by getting better, I don’t mean cured. I mean getting to a stable place. And you will. Hang in there. Don’t give up on yourself. We’ll be here to cheer you on, the whole way.
I TRY to lie to my therapist — but he can tell. (Either that, or he’s bluffing on the off chance that I’m lying.) Every time he asks me if I’ve cut, I say no, and he rolls his eyes and says, “Where did you cut?” So I think it’s perfectly normal to want to lie to your therapist — but it’s good that you’ve decided to come clean. It is for the best.
Good luck with your new therapist. I was terrified when I switched therapists, but it worked out well for me, so I hope everything goes well for you too.
I recently had a sort of similar experience, I’ve had some very violent thoughts and automatic violent responses to situations that really, really scared me. Up until recently I never told my doctor about them because admitting them to my doctor was also admitting to myself that they were there.
I’m glad that you’ve thought about it and are willing to be more open with your professional support team. It may feel like a huge risk, but ideally the more they know, the more they can help.
There’s no quick fix in this world, and you may be making adjustments in your perception of yourself for the rest of your life (trust me, I know that of what I speak).
But I guarantee you won’t tell them anything that will shock them, or even anything they haven’t already heard from someone. Difficult to believe, but true.
I’m just happy and proud of you that you have made the decision to be completely honest. That takes guts, but it’s the only way a doctor or therapist can truly have the ability to help you.
always tell your psychiatrist about your ideas of playing in traffic. he/she needs to know.