Depressed

It’s been a week since I last posted. It wasn’t because of the holidays, it was because I was hit with a fairly severe depression that I’m still wading through.

It started tuesday. I woke up and new something was wrong and that I was mildly depressed. I chalked it up to a normal mood fluctuation that can happen here and there and didn’t take much notice of it. But by wednesday it got worse so I started to take action. I took things easy and I spent my days listening to David Sedaris. I was still able to laugh and it felt good. But I wasn’t getting much sleep and I was sundowning pretty hard. By thursday it became what I think of as a “drive me to suicide” depression.

There are three depressions that I’ve categorized. There’s depression depression, where I feel listless and lack the will to do anything, I take no pleasure in the usual things, I’m fragile, and there is a sense of doom settling over everything. These depressions are not too much to worry about because I only think about suicide, but never really set any plans or desires in motion. Then there is impulsive depression. Impulsive depression is like depression depression but I tend to have more energy and can do things. It’s a milder depression in that way, but it comes at a price. I’m impulsively suicidal. One moment I can be grabbing a cup of coffee, the next I’m consumed with the desire to kill myself with the nearest knife. These are not terrible to have, but they are dangerous because I am far more likely to do something stupid like hop over a ledge or down a staircase. Finally, there’s the drive me to suicide depressions. These are the worst psychically speaking. There’s depression as usual, but then my mind drags up every humiliating or depressing moment of my life as flashbacks. I don’t start off suicidal, but after being hit over and over with flashbacks, the only way that I can get away is by killing myself.

I gave a call to my psychiatrist and now I’m on welbutrin. But antidepressants don’t work overnight so the depression kept getting worse. On saturday I nearly had a meltdown when attending christmas service with my family. And on sunday, I was hit with a series of flashbacks that made me vomit from the intensity. And it was then that I broke down.

Yesterday was just about as bad. I had quit smoking but it was time to start again. I downed about a pot of coffee and got up the motivation to walk the three blocks to the gas station. After the first cigarette, I felt better. I’m not sure what it did to me, but it stopped my mind from dragging up every embarrassing moment it could access. So now I’m chugging coffee and smoking again until the welbutrin kicks in. Hopefully I can pick up again tomorrow.

Off Zyprexa… Emotions Are Full Force

Zyprexa has by now been completely eliminated from my system. What it’s done is bring back my emotional states. It’s nice to finally feel sad and happy again, also enjoy things or despise things. It’s been really interesting that even negative emotions are at the same time interesting and I’m curious about how they feel.

For instance, last night I found out that I didn’t get into a food co op that I had previously been a member of. It brought back a lot of feelings of rejection and loneliness. I felt friendless and a little betrayed. After my parents went to bed, I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I started tearing up and felt awful. I wanted a beer. But at the same time, I didn’t want to numb the pain at all. I cried on my birthday, but it was this odd crying without a really sad emotional state supporting it. Now I finally had an emotional state that I lacked for a long time. I was entirely curious about it. Part of me didn’t want to shut it off, but wanted to experience it.

And that desire to experience emotion has crept into every facet of my life. I feel emotions from everything and I love music that produces actual changes in my emotions. It doesn’t really matter what emotion it is, it just matters that I emote. I’m in love with experiencing moods again. Another curious aspect is that the emotions feel more intense than I ever remember them being. It’s almost difficult to concentrate at times because it is so intense. I’m going to make a guess and say that it’s from not experiencing emotional states for the better part of a month and now I’m hypersensitive to them. That would explain the curiosity and the intensity.

The only down side is that I feel naive about emotions. I haven’t had to deal with them for a while. And now that they’re so intense, I feel that I don’t know what to do with them. I don’t know how fast they should change, or how sensitive they should be. I also don’t know if I will stay in this hypersensitive state indefinitely. I’m not adverse to that, the world just feels beautiful and wondrous right now. And it’s not even a manic state, I’m inclined to keep this and I’ll learn how to deal with the emotions later as I experience more of them.

But any which way it’s sliced, the result is a peculiar side effect. I would have never guessed that this would have happened. Yet, it did and I’m not sorry for it. It’s wonderful to experience the hight of my moods again. I’ve missed them terribly. I don’t know how I went without them for so long and didn’t notice them. This drug holiday has given me back so much of what I’ve missed. It’s incredible. It’s probably the best decision that I’ve made all year.

Thinking back, I spent the better part of last year on antipsychotics. Numbing me to my emotional states. I now wonder what sort of damage abilify did to them. I was kind flat on that compared to this. And so long as the random suicidal ideation stays away, along with the suspicious thinking and paranoia, I’m not going on antipsychotics unless I must. And that would only be for psychotic episodes. As terrifying as they are, I’m banking on lithium to control the moods and prevent those blackened manias from happening again. But even if I have one here or there, I think I’ll take them in exchange for having my emotions back. This decision is bolstered by the fact that I know that I have an antipsychotic combo waiting to take care of any psychotic moods. And that’s in keeping with the interesting way that my psychiatrist is handling depressions as well. That’s a whole different piece though, I’ll probably write one up later.

Happy Holidays!

Going Off Lamictal… And Zyprexa…

I was asked in the comments what it was like going on lamictal. Honestly, it was sort of bland and it was before I started really knowing how to determine what a drug was doing its job. It was also a year ago, so my memory is even hazier. All that I remember is having really weird vivid dreams for a long time until the medication settled in my system.

But I can tell everyone what it’s like going off of it and its effects. The results are pretty notable. First of which are the dreams. Vivid doesn’t do it justice. I dream with all five senses whenever my dose of lamictal is changed. And it’s always immediate. I’ve never gone down on the dose, but it’s having the same result. Super vivid dreams that feel like memories rather than dreams when I wake up.

I’ve also noted a mild mood instability. I swing mildly and pretty quickly throughout the day. It’s not extreme by any means. Rather, it feels as though my emotions are reigned in, but are just bubbling right under my skin. It’s like I’m ready to break out, but can’t quite emote.

In addition to mood instability, I’ve noticed a slightly hypomanic mood and impulsivity. I feel a little stronger than usual and like I could take on the world. Definitely hypomanic, but not in any extreme sense. Again it’s reigned in. One thing though is impulsivity. That’s much more pronounced.

In fact, it made me do something a little stupid. I got fed up with feeling like my emotions were reigned in. It reminded me too much of when I was completely flat. So I thought it was zyprexa that was holding it all in. In my quest for a white hypo/mania, I kinda sorta stopped taking zyprexa.

I’ve already noticed a difference in my morning. Slept really well last night. But even more important is that I feel clear in the morning. Zyprexa had been flattening me out in the mornings and produced that bored haze that I loath so much. My concentration is also much better than most mornings. Sadly, this contaminates the next week of going off of lamictal. I won’t know what is lamictal and what is zyprexa. But in that moment of impulsivity, I think I made the right choice. I’ve been in a fog for too long and I’m willing to suffer some mood instability as a result of it. I say that now of course.

Help With Dealing With Parents

I don’t have much to report today. I’m feeling rather exhausted from interacting with my father. I have two relationships. One with my mother that is empathetic and open, and one with my father which is strained and contrarian.

I’ve communicated a lot of my symptoms with my parents. I’m open and honest about what drugs I’m taking and how I’m interacting with them. Where I’m at in my cycle, if asked, I will answer openly and honestly. It’s the only way that I really see as the way to be with parents.

As a result of this, my mother and I have grown closer. She’s a nurse and knows most of the drugs that I’m on. She’s also very empathetic and seems to understand that the degree to which bipolar disorder interrupted my life and seems to get why it interrupts life. I get along with her very well. She supports me in pretty much every decision I take and I love her for it.

But with my father, it’s a different story. I some how cannot communicate just what it’s like to be bipolar. He still seems to be of the opinion that everyone feels these ups and downs and people who are bipolar are just too sensitive. I can’t seem to impress upon him that it’s not sensitivity, it’s degree that separates people who are bipolar from normal people. Furthermore, that it’s a chemical imbalance that is the cause of the extremity. Hence the reason why I’m on drugs. Something he doesn’t seem to understand.

I’m just at a loss as to how to communicate what bipolar disorder is to him. My mother seemed to grasp it immediately, and I’m thankful for that. But my father presents me with a whole other tangle that I can’t seem to unravel. And I just feel emotionally drained whenever I point out that something is a side effect and he doesn’t believe me. I could write a book on his contrarian nature and his seeming prejudice against mental illness, but that’s not for here. I just need to vent a little and ask for a little help. Which is how did you deal with your parents or loved ones when you found out that you were bipolar? How did you communicate what the illness was like? And how did you convey the biological model to them? Is there any good literature out there on bipolar disorder that conveys these ideas? I’m at a complete loss and I’m feeling emotionally drained interacting with him. I don’t expect to change him overnight, but I need something. Maybe I will have my psychiatrist talk to him. She’s offered.

Sorry for this me centered rambling mess. I’m just feeling emotionally drained after some of his more insensitive comments.

Caffeine – A Friend At The Gym

So this is a short one. Over at Science Daily they report that researchers at Sheffield Hallam University found that caffeine is a performance enhancer in sports when taken with carbohydrates. The results were two fold, and rather shocked me. First is that caffeine with carbohydrates increases stamina, and second, that it improves overall performance at tasks. This result, in addition to the fact that caffeine helps replace glycogen, the muscle’s immediate fuel source, leads me to now reconsider how I view caffeine.

Now, while staying within my tolerance, I’m definitely adding caffeine to my workout regimin. But I’m playing it on the safe side, since I’ve already researched the link between hypomania and caffeine.

Drug Holiday for the Holidays

I’m going on a drug holiday. I just got back from the psychiatrist’s office and first on the chopping block was lamictal. Over the next 3 weeks I’m tapering off of it. Then zyprexa will be dropped. In doing so, I’ll be going on a drug holiday.

Usually, drug holidays are where you are off of all prescription drugs for a certain period of time. But in my case I’ll still be on lithium. The reason for this, as my psychiatrist explained, is that going off of lithium can cause relapses. And every time you cycle, the cycle speeds up and intensifies. We both would like to avoid making me worse, so the lithium stays. But, everything else is going away. Things will be added in as needed in the future, but from the sounds of it, I’ll probably be getting anti-depressants for depression instead of lamictal now that I have lithium to safe guard me against manias.

But I’ve already had my first reprieve from zyprexa. As the higher dose gets eliminated from my system, I can feel myself coming back more and more each day. My psychiatrist even noted that I’m actually emoting. And I feel like it too. Even today, while I still feel restless in the mornings, I am much more sane and emotionally involved in everything. I’m not even dreading the ride home, I’m excited to see how I handle it. And that’s the way it’s been with everything, it’s like I was released from prison and find even mundane things fresh and exciting.

I’m also rather excited about the time line for the drug holiday. In 10 days I’ll be at full potency with lithium, and then 11 days after that I’ll be done with lamictal. It’s like I’m regaining an old lost self that I knew was around all the time, but couldn’t find. It was obscured by the affectlessness of zyprexa and too much medication. This is not to say that it wasn’t justified. My psychiatrist was careful to point out that because I was hallucinating and having paranoid thoughts and behaviors all together, it warranted the high doses. But no longer. And the best part is that it is in time for the holidays. Of course, with the stress of Christmas, lithium is going to get a trial by fire. But still, there’s always the psychiatrists on call that can help with that.