Depressed, Relatively Speaking
I’ve been really busy and I finally crashed. By crash I don’t mean this downward spiral of horrible anxiety and self hatred. I just mean physical exhaustion and lack of any motivation. I lasted about two weeks and then had 3 days down where I just watched tv and played guitar. Now I’m in another phase of that: motivated, energetic, and highly self critical.
Part of the crash is due to just doing a lot that physically a body cannot keep up with. By September 2nd, I’ll be the proprietor of one small business that is expanding, the owner and operator of another small business that is expanding rather rapidly, and the creator and a founding member of a nonprofit magazine dedicated to local and regional culture. That’s a lot to squeeze into a single month and it’s the pure manic energy where I keep looking at it and thinking “I can do more”. The sad thing is, I actually can. I can do a lot more and I can push even harder.
But I did hit a breaking point after working 15 hour days for 5 days and then continuing on with other projects. Last friday I just hit a wall energy wise and I couldn’t keep going. I was sleeping 9-10 hours a day and really had no aptitude to do anything. I lazed around, did some things that were critical, and that was about it. But by tuesday I picked up where I left off and now I’m on the road up again. The only thing that is nagging me is that I’m ultra critical of everything that I’m doing. I have the energy to do things, but I’m intensely focused on how easily everything can just turn to crap at any given moment. That’s why I’m not really counting any of this as a mania, I just don’t have those delusions anymore that everything is perfect.
It’s good though, that’s keeping my worst tendencies in check. I bought about $400 worth of equipment, but that was only after I realized how quickly my recording business was growing. Within 2 days of having it I was able to make $100 as an entrance to working on an album, more money will come in. So I’ll make it all back this week if I’m lucky, and if I’m unlucky, in two weeks. I’m taking those risks, but they’re educated risks. My mood just pushes me more to taking those leaps that can pay off rather than saddling me with the what-ifs of the world.
In the end, as I’m coming out of this, I’m keeping it all managed. Three businesses, this blog, A Canvas of the Mind (I haven’t forgotten about you Ruby). It’s just a lot. Nearly 75 emails a day. Any normal person at this point would say that they hoped that it calmed down. But as I’m getting my energy back, I know it’s the exact opposite, I want things to speed up. I want more meetings, more emails, more jobs, more everything. The only key is that I’ve made this all scalable and not reliant on my moods, so when I eventually crash, be it a month from now or 5 years from now, I’ll be able to manage it. Modularity is key as well as involving other people in the right ways.