Driving During Withdrawal And Other Things

First of all, don’t unless you have to. It is a very very bad idea. I had to make the journey up to my parents, which is usually around a two hour trip. I’ve done it many times and I know the route to the point that I don’t even need to read the signs any more to find my way onto the correct back roads to cut 20 miles off the google maps suggestion. There’s some construction here and there, but it’s pretty easy driving. But this time I started to have withdrawal while driving.

The reason is rather simple, I didn’t want to be comatose while driving, so I took my klonopin early in the day, quite early. I had to wake up early anyways, so it wasn’t a major task. But that put my dosing time at 7am, and withdrawal sets in about 9 hours after that. I left at 3pm. Didn’t time that one very well, but I had packing to do and a strong lack of motivation. So my agitation set in half way through, just when it started to get hairy anyways. I was stuck behind a slow driver. And by slow, he was on a two lane high way and was going about 10 mph under the speed limit. And there were 3 cars ahead of me that weren’t passing him. During the passing lanes, it just got jammed with lazy drivers and nothing happened for about 30 miles. I’m not prone to road rage, but I desperately wanted to ram everyone ahead of me. Even savoring the images of the car wrecks. I was not in a good mood.

Then I hit the main highway again, and it was backed up and not going anywhere. I got within 1000 feet of the off ramp and I took my chance and used the shoulder to get to it. A lot of people had that idea. Just get off the highway and take the residential roads until you connect in another 10 miles and see how the traffic is up there. The idea paid off in the end, but in the mean time I was tailgated for a few miles. That usually irks me, but this time I stopped my car and started screaming at the gal for tailgating me in a residential neighborhood. I could have easily snapped and started a fight. The other driver, thankfully, went pale and drove off leaving me alone. But the adrenaline was high, I was shaking with it. I decided that it would be a good idea to pull over and have a cigarette before heading on. It worked and the rest of the journey was uneventful.

That’s the thing that I’ve noticed about the withdrawal and the agitation associated with it. There is both a violent nature to it and an explosive one. Violent thoughts come very naturally and I don’t have the natural impulse to push them aside. And that’s coupled with sudden fits of adrenaline that just surge through me and I lose it. There isn’t much warning either, it happens in minutes at most, sometimes within seconds. So I might be mildly annoyed at one moment, which will often pass, and the next I’ll erupt. And it’s not for lack of trying to stop it. Obviously, the best idea is to challenge any ideas and talk myself down, ultimately just removing myself from the situation. But when driving, it’s harder to do that. In addition to that, when annoyed, my thoughts tend to narrow and I don’t think straight enough to step back and challenge anything.

Basically, driving when in withdrawal is a bad idea in a number of ways.

However, there is some good news on the withdrawal front. I was taking klonopin every 12 hours, which meant mornings and nights were not pleasant. I went to the pharmacist to finally refill my prescription and she noticed that it took me a while to get it in. But also noticed that I was not in very good shape because I hadn’t taken my klonopin yet. So I talked to her a little bit about it, how I have problems in the morning and at night, but also early afternoon, when I get knocked out by the klonopin. It’s a lose-lose-lose way of taking the drug. She told me to take the drug first thing in the morning and an hour or so before bed so I could sleep. And then for those few hours that I would be in withdrawal, have a single beer or a single glass of wine. Sip it, not guzzle it. Apparently the alcohol, since it too is a CNS depressant, will take the edge off if it looks like it’s going to be too much. But I’m not drinking enough or for long enough to form any dependency on it. It worked last night. I didn’t feel great, but I felt more like myself. And that was something that I usually did before going off of klonopin. I like my microbrew beer in madison, and would often enjoy one with dinner or sitting down for a movie. Never getting drunk or even close to being buzzed, just as something to drink. I won’t do it all the time, just as needed.

Today, so far, I can see that the shift is working well. I have my afternoons back, and I’m groggy before noon no matter what time I wake up. I honestly feel much more like my old self. I’ve spent the past 5 hours just listening to music and doing various things around the house. I’m also looking up new artists to listen to. It’s been fun, and I feel like I’m having fun. I’m ultimately not afraid of trying something and not liking it or failing, I’m adventurous again. I can’t wait until I’m completely off klonopin and start my summer fresh and ready (and mildly manic).

Anger, Agression, And Going Off Klonopin

I finally did it! I’m going off of klonpin. It’s being done slowly over the next two weeks to avoid withdrawal symptoms. And I’m happy that I’m doing that. Yesterday was my first day cutting down, we halved the dose to see what would happen. Unsurprisingly, I’m mildly addicted to it. I wanted to take it while I was out at the farmers market, almost craving it. Even though I don’t like it, I know how it feels and I felt off without it.

One of the big things that I have to watch out for is a spike in my anxiety levels. It’s very common in withdrawal to have higher anxiety, and I have anxiety already while on klonopin. So it’s not like I really want any more. But there can also be some agitation and even agression that comes with it. And that’s what I experienced.

I felt like the world revolved around me and I was incredibly snippy and insistent on doing things my way. I feel rather guilty about how childish I was with my girlfriend. But there you have it. These are powerful drugs, and going on them or off of them does a number on your brain. It can’t be avoided, but it can be contained. Luckily, I spent most of the afternoon talking with my neighbors and having a few drinks. The small social setting helped tremendously and I couldn’t have asked for a better way to keep myself calm and in control.

Keeping it low key and small was alright, but the farmers market was a bad idea. Granted, it got me out of the house and doing some things, but the size of the crowd and the people that comprised parts of it made things worse. It was when I was passing the usual protesters at the market, the creationists and the 9/11 truthers that I noticed a surge of agression and irritability. Usually, I can brush those people off and just keep moving. But yesterday was different. I not only wanted to shout and yell at them for their ignorance, but I wanted to smash their signs and even start a fight. Not a good sign, and probably due to some withdrawal.

There were less dramatic thoughts too. In general, there was just a casual irritability at random people who weren’t even aware of my existence. Whether it was the clothing, or the things they were buying, I made snap judgments about them and despised them for it. It was irritability to the extreme. Again though, the crowd size didn’t help. Crowds always bring out the worst in me.

That’s about it for my first day off of klonopin. It was thankfully uneventful despite what my brain was trying to get me to do. And this morning I didn’t have the cravings for taking it, so that’s a good sign that I’m on the mend rather quickly. It’s just one of those days that one has to be vigilant about. When your brain chemistry is going awry, it’s a good idea to keep to the simpler things and let it die down.

Big Difference From A Small Change

I hate to make this another three post day. I feel like I’m spamming inboxes at this point. But I’m stuck, once again at that 8pm drag on my day where I can’t seem to focus on much of anything or do much beyond wait for sleep.

But the rest of the day was not like that at all. I switched up my zyprexa to the night, and take klonopin to help me sleep through the restlessness of it. It’s made a huge difference. I was far more productive today than I’ve been in quite a few. I also enjoyed things more. I believe that while zyprexa might be good for stabilizing me, it was doing double damage. On the one hand, it was producing akathisia and made me entirely restless so that I couldn’t focus. The other damage was that it flattened me out too much. There have not been any ups or downs or anywheres for quite some time. That meant stability, but it also meant that I didn’t enjoy anything either. Today, just being out and about made me feel happy. Even shopping for groceries and then carrying them for the 20 minute walk back to the house was enjoyable. And this is not one of those days that you usually enjoy, it’s a lukewarm drizzling day.

It always astounds me how little changes can drive such marked differences. I actually feel really stupid for not doing this earlier. So to put things into perspective, with a mean half life of 30 hours, that means that today was roughly where I would be at on 5 mg in the morning. So 5 mg seems to be the tolerable dose. And boy is it ever tolerable. It may seem like a turn around from how I’ve viewed the drug before, but I’ll admit that I might have judged too harshly. I still have trouble with focusing, so 5mg in the morning might be too much, but at night it might be perfect. Still, I’d like to see how I am without it. If it turns out that I need it, then so be it.

I also found out that it was the initial rush of zyprexa that was putting me to sleep and causing me to feel fatigued early in the day. I had chalked that up to the lithium since zyprexa upped me so much. Wrong on that, it sedates then invigorates, what a freak drug it is.

Alone Time and My Mental Health

I was just reading over The Daily Bipolar, and Brandon’s piece about waking up early revealed something to me. I really need my morning alone time. I get up around 8am, sometimes earlier, sometimes later. I’m slowly pushing it earlier and earlier. But that’s not the point, the point is that I’m very much alone to myself in the mornings. My girlfriend is an artist who often stays at the studio until 1am or later. So she sleeps in. She’s a night owl. And I love her to death, but in the mornings, I get to be alone for a few hours. It’s pleasant to have me time. And that me time has really helped with preventing bad days.

I feel safe and cozy in the mornings with no one around and I’m not able to make much noise so I can’t wake her. Instead, I simply spend time with my thoughts. In some ways, I guess it can be considered a kind of meditation. I feed the cat, drink coffee, write, read, watch the daily show, and sometimes just watch the cars pass by my window. And that prepares me for the day. I get a little bit done so that I’m ready to go, but I also have a completely stress free time to myself. If I don’t have that, then I usually try to get it in the evenings, but in some measure, I just need some time alone to really unwind my mind.

I’ve also noticed that it impacts my moods. Without my morning time, my anxiety is higher throughout the day and I’m generally less willing to do things. When I travel to my parents house, where my parents are very much morning people, I don’t get that me time and I often feel like exploding inside. I have to restrain myself so that I don’t yell at them to leave me alone. Afterwards, for the rest of the day, I’m either in an elevated mood or a depressed mood. Something about having a calm beginning to every day subdues my moods and lets me get on with the things that I have to do.

What about you? Do you need quiet time to yourself? Or some other everyday ritual?

Adventures in Abilify – Day 45 Lengthened Cycles

I’ve finally been able to track my cycle. It takes a while to pin it down since I need to oscillate between mania and depression at least twice before I can really pin down the peaks and dips. I’ve yet to hit two full length cycles, but the pattern has emerged from previous data and I’ve been able to extrapolate how long the cycle is. It’s at least 10 days, and appears to be at around 17 days. This is nearly 3 times as long as the previous cycle.

Additionally, the dips are only lasting around 2-3 days and tend to be more mixed than depressed. I’m not thrilled to have more mixed states, but it’s a step up from feeling suicidal every 6 days. The time I’m depressed has only increased by about a factor of 1.5, a little less actually. I had about 1 day of mixed states in my previous cycle, so mixed+depression = 2 days and the new cycle is a max of 3 with an average of 2.5.

That’s a huge step up in comparison to my previous state, but I’m also a lot more energetic. I spend most of my time at 6 or above in energy levels on my mood chart, and I’m averaging about 7. There’s coffee involved in all of this, but I also see coffee as just another medication to include in this (and it’s really cheap too).

Anxiety is also lower. I still have problems with my nerves, but that’s ok in my mind. I’ve accepted that I’ll always have anxiety problems, I just don’t want to deal with it every day and have trouble leaving the house because of it. That only happens when there’s a major event happening.

Agitation is much lower too. I don’t fight with people in my head nearly as much as before. I generally rank  myself fairly low even when manic, excepting a few moments where all I want to do is lash out and destroy something.

With all this in mind, it’s safe to say that abilify has rounded some edges off while elevating my mood in general. That’s more than I wanted, so this has been a boon like no other. Combined with a smidgen of coffee every morning and I have become a fairly productive member of society. Don’t get me wrong, I still manage my moods every day and there’s a great deal of work to be done to maintain my moods. But it’s better.

Working a Job While Bipolar

I’m beginning my foray into the job market again. It’s been some time and hasn’t been easy with being bipolar. The last time I worked was a few years ago. First it was a library job shelving books. I slowly became manic over the course of the semester and doing tedious work is nearly impossible while manic. I became more erratic in working, shirking work when possible to avoid the tedium, and when I did work it was not exactly the best work out there. I had to force myself to slow down in order to accomplish the task at hand. The internal struggle made me less and less productive all while making me increasingly miserable. It became hell to work there and true to my erratic nature, I just quit unexpectedly. And that was that.

But I had set my sights higher and found another job as a bike mechanic. It was an experience to learn something new, something I love when manic. There was a whole world of information to absorb. Plus, there were people to socialize with, which was absent when shelving books. Work went really well for a while, but I became more and more manic. I was pulling massive overtime because I could cover for everyone else, working 12 hours without having to worry about energy levels. I was friendly and outgoing, but as I became increasingly manic, I also started to get haphazard with details. I was having problems filling out forms properly, getting shipping on packages straight, my short term memory was shot, and I started to ignore the hell out of my boss for always wanting to socialize there.

I was then transfered to another store. Retail. I hated my boss there and he did not like me. Some of it I believe to this day is because I was clearly smarter than him and the mechanics usually sided with me on issues of conflict. This was about 5 months into my mania with no slowing down, so I became even more combative as time went on. I challenged his authority and his decisions constantly. Asking why one strategy was better than another. It didn’t help either that I was also being creative. One day I organized the help to rearrange the floor plan to sell things better, he took the credit for it when the owner came in. He was a dick, but being manic didn’t help ease the situation, it made it worse. When I feel jilted while manic, I don’t take it lightly. I retaliate in an organized manner. I couldn’t ignore the situation and go on with my life, I had to some how undermine his authority. So I essentially organized his labor through the help of the mechanics. Which got me fired.

Being manic and trying to work is as difficult in my opinion as being depressed and working. It’s hard to organize myself into an effective worker because there is no box tight enough to fit my mind in. I’m constantly exploring new avenues and cannot stay focused on the task at hand. It makes me a scattered worker that sets a lot of big ideas into motion hoping others will continue them. But in retail, that is not my place. I’m also bad at staying still for any period of time since I’m so restless that I need to constantly be moving and this leads to me goofing off or trying to entertain people. Although, being social and energetic made me a great salesman (I sold several $2000+ bikes in the first month working there). But being manic makes me more in line for some creative position where I can set my own schedule and workload, the opposite of what a 9-5 job requires.

Being depressed makes it equally impossible to work. I’ve never been able to do it because I’m so down and out of it that I never even follow through on applications. I just entertain the idea of working without actually having the impetus to do so. As such, I’ve never been able to even get work when I’m depressed, and probably couldn’t maintain anything if I did find work.

But that hopefully will change on abilify. I just got turned down for one job 2 hours ago, and now I’m already bouncing back and trying to find another one. But even if I don’t get it, I’m already volunteering at one position as a web developer for a local cooperative and looking to volunteer at another (philosophy tv, yay!). And I’ve been able to stay on top of things through all this while on abilify. I also don’t feel like I’m being forced into a mould and cast as a certain employee. I feel a freedom of doing things as I need to and I get to be creative in the process. I hope to see in the future weeks and months how well I do as an employee of sorts while on abilify. It may be that this drug can also revitalize my employability as well as my moods.